Perfectly Imperfect

I remember the first time someone made a comment about my body. I was 10. My friends cat had gotten out and we were going door to door looking for him. It was mid summer; early evening, hot and humid. If I remember correctly it had just rained, not too much, but enough that the mosquitos were out in full force. We had stopped at a handful of houses already with no luck. Our next stop a woman answered the door, she hadn’t seen a cat but offered bug spray, which we gladly accepted and that’s when it happened. She sprayed each of us and when she got to me, clear as day she says “wow, your legs are really hairy”. I was 10, no shit they were hairy. 

I was 10 and she was an adult that had just body shamed a child. It was that day that things changed.

I stopped wearing shorts. If an adult was going to make comments what were kids going to say?? If I would have looked at my friends legs I would have known I wasn’t the only one, but instead I covered the embarrassment with pants. It would be upper 90s out and those pants would be warm like a blanket and would keep me safe. But it didn’t stop at hiding my legs, it just escalated into hiding every imperfection that I thought I had.

By Jr High I was 5’8” and stick thin. That typical awkward pre-teen/teen body that I am currently talking to my 12 and 13 year old (closer to 13 and 14, but who’s counting) about. That body that didn’t carry a curve. My friends and I all started getting our periods and while most of them grew into their bodies, I didn’t. I would get told that my chest was as flat as my back, so I convinced my mom I needed a padded bra. Cause you know, a padded bra would stop the comments. The comments didn’t stop, now it was just different, I went from flat to very obviously a padded bra. 

High school came roaring around the corner faster than I could get a handle on and my body started changing. But not in the ways that I wanted. My ass filled out and with the ass came the matching thick thighs. I tried to hide them with oversized jeans and the baggiest hoodies I could get my hands on. My aunts and cousins would say “you know in our family you either have huge tits and no ass, or no tits and a huge ass”. I looked around and it was true, but it wasn’t what i wanted. 

I didn’t want thick thighs and a big ass, I didn’t want legs that touched each other so much that I was basically a mermaid, I didn’t want the chest of a preteen girl. I wanted the body of a woman; tall, slender with some curves, and a nice set of tits. I didn’t want people to make comments about me having legs when I finally decided to give zero fucks and wear shorts. I didn’t want to wear a padded bra just to fill out a shirt. I wanted to go unnoticed cause I was that unhappy.

I had my first daughter at 22 and my second at 23, my son at 27 and my last daughter at 29. Four kids in seven years, all c-sections. Pregnancies and surgeries truly take a toll on your body. I didn’t snap back with my third and fourth like I did with my first two. I have a handful of stretch marks, love handles, an unflattering 4 inch scar across my bikini line and what I like to call a kangaroo pouch. I was told I took the easy way out of child birth, and I am less of a woman for not doing things the “natural” way. I didn’t realize that major surgery was the easy way, but I added it to my list of things to shame myself about.

I’ve carried this hatred of my body with me for 25 years. 25 years I’ve wanted to trade in all my imperfections for what I envisioned in my head was beautiful. I talked about boob jobs with my husband until I was literally blue in the face. About dieting and working out, maybe then I would be happy. And his response every time was “but you are perfect, I love your body”. And like any wife I would reply with “you have to say that, you’re my husband”. 

I would only have sex if lights were off or the room was dark. And would cling on to the hope of not having to take all my clothes off. I was disgusted by the body I had, but had no time or energy to focus on myself and change it. So do I continue to hate me or learn to embrace me??

Fast forward to today, to my two older daughters aka the Bigs. My oldest is my build, 5’4” and 130 pounds. My second daughter is 5’4” and 91 pounds, she has the body of an ANTM..... legs for days, slender frame, darker complexion. Same height, same parents, a year apart in age, but two completely different bodies. They are gorgeous, they are hilariously funny, they are absolutely perfect in every way and then it happened.... the body shaming happened to my kid, by kids!!!

My 12 year was bullied for being too skinny, she was being called “the dark one” cause of her beautifully perfect tan complexion. Things she had no control over. My oldest wanted to “take care” of whoever was teasing her little sister, her little sister that wouldn’t give up names of the wrongdoers cause she didn’t want it to get worse. Mama Bear came out, if I could have walked into school or knocked down doors to fix the problem I would have. Instead I took the high road and calmly addressed the matter with the school and gave them the chance to make things better. I went home and handled the matter within the walls of my home.

How would my girls ever love themselves if they watched their mom hate herself?! STOP... read that again... think about it!!!

I was my worst critic. I body shamed myself every chance I got and my kids witnessed it first hand. I wanted that perfect body so badly that I was blind to the fact that I already had it. I’ve learned to embrace and love all my imperfections. I’m making the positive changes in front of my very impressionable daughters that watch my every move and listen to every word.

We all come in different shapes and sizes. None of us are exactly the same. It doesn’t matter if you are a size 2 or a size 22, if you are short or tall, thick thighs or thighs that don’t touch, flat chested or big boobs. If we would start lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down and loving ourselves and each other, instead of hating and shaming each other the world would be a brighter place. Love yourself, embrace your body. 

You are gorgeous. Every perfectly imperfect thing about you. ❤️