Doing this alone....

“Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love, sometimes two homes are better than one, somethings you can’t tell your sister because she’s still too young, one day you’ll understand when you love someone”-James TW – When you love someone For the record, I have been holding onto this Blog since near the end of our Brand Ambassador run. It’s so very hard to put your true feelings out there. You know those depression commercials with the girl who is always “down” and is holding up the Smiley Face on the stick. That was 100% me with this blog, I didn’t want to put my feelings out there, as this is very personal, but at the end of the day this is very real.

In August of 2011, my sister-in-law asked me for a tampon, and I said well do you have a pregnancy test…..she looked at me and said “yup”. I went upstairs and took the test and then I opened the door and went back to my sister-in-law and handed her my whole box of tampons and simply stated “I won’t be needing these for a while”. Nervous couldn’t even begin to explain the feelings I had going through my head. I knew who the dad was, I knew I was keeping this baby, I didn’t know how I was going to afford the pregnancy and raising a baby, but the one thing I knew was that I was going to be the best mom I could be to my child. Once I went to my doctor and got everything confirmed and got the ultrasound done, I knew it was time to address the dad to be. I had no idea how it was going to go over, but I took a deep breath and made that phone call.

We weren’t together, we weren’t an item, but we just had a history of finding each other at the end of the night. Anyways, his reaction wasn’t so kind, he was in denial, and he kept saying “it wasn’t his”. It was at this point I knew it was me and my baby verse the world. Doing this alone was nerve wrecking, I was now to the point that my 2 best friends knew, along with my sister-in-law. They quickly moved me into “high-risk” due to Down syndrome on both sides and that my friends will make your anxiety go through the roof. I continued my appointments solo and each time I went for more scans, they would say “Your baby has 2-3 new signs, and you still have time to get an abortion”. I cried my eyes out after leaving each time, but I thought if that was what god had in plan for me, then I was the one to tackle this.

Finally at 6 months I told my parents and made my announcement to the world that I was expecting. Now back to those high-risk appointments, I remember at 32 weeks the doctor said, “this is your last chance to have a medical abortion”, I was flabbergasted. I wiped my belly off, threw the towel at her, I sat up and pushed her aside (she was in an office chair), walked out and NEVER went back. Now I totally understand some people would have chosen that route, and that’s totally okay, do what’s best for you. But I, I was ready for this journey.

Finally in April of 2012 I had the happiest, healthiest, and most handsome baby boy EVER. We were quickly surrounded by so much love and help I couldn’t have asked for more. I did contact my son’s father, I sent him every doctor’s appointment, a few ultrasounds, and I even sent him the time and place for when I had my son in case he wanted to be there. He didn’t show and my dad was on standby, which was the best gift of all. My dad didn’t leave Connors side, he held my hand, and he kept telling me I did so great. He even got to cut Connor’s umbilical cord. My dad passed suddenly 2 years after Connor was born and it still brings a tear to my eye knowing those precious moments when Connor became his whole world.

Moving forward I did go to the attorneys, got a paternity test, and guess what I was right, it was his. He didn’t see Connor until he was 6 months old, but he did latch on right away. He was a great dad, he still is, but things have gotten harder as time moved on. I got married, we have a VERY blended family, he just recently got engaged and Connor, well he is just trying to make everyone happy. I don’t live with a calendar right by my side, I make and change plans as the wind blows. I try to sign my kids up for everything and have them experience life to the best of my capabilities. But living like this isn’t easy when you have to share your time with your kids. Connor misses out a lot, on both sides. It’s hard to explain why your event is so much more important than the time with the other parent. I fail at this hard, but I do recognize it, and I do try my best to keep up to date with everything. Now we are in the middle of big arguments, I don’t think any phone call goes on without an argument or raised voices. Connor is getting older, wants to go to friends’ houses, do sleep overs, play sports, and I feel for him.

But again how do you tell the other parent to let him be a kid and do those things when it takes up their time. Connor does live with me, but with working full time and school, we don’t get much quality time. He is coming home from school, having a snack, doing homework, then he is out the door to play with friends or go to Soccer. I truly value my weekends with him, we have fun doing sometimes the dumbest of things, but he is my person. When the world is caving in on me and I want to give up, he always knows what I need most. His time with me is also cut short because 4 years ago and a long fertility battle, I finally got pregnant with my husband and had my daughter. She is amazing, but as all us moms know, 2 is way more different than 1, and 3 is way more different than 2. So I have to split my time between my 2 kids, 2 step sons, 2 dogs, and my husband. Disclaimer: If anyone wants to walk a mile in my shoes, let me know, I’ll add you into speed dial. But back on track, the moment you know when co-parenting is hard however you realize the needs of the kids is more important than time, money, or energy…..is when you have it right. Sign the kids up for every event, fully attend every event, and show up with bells on (both parents) for your kids. This is what they need, I repeat “THIS IS WHAT THEY NEED.” I am the first to tell you, don’t stay together for the kids. Remember you are their role model, how do you want them to see life, how do you want them to treat others. I never saw my parents kiss or hug; I was young when they separated and then eventually divorced. But I will also never forget the first time when I saw them hug, it was at my High School Graduation, and they hugged and celebrated me. It was at that point, I realized it doesn’t matter what they thought of each other, or what went on in the past. It was that they finally came together and celebrated their child. I never wanted to raise my kid this way, but I have to, and I need to make the best choices for my children. I need to explain to Mia why it’s important for Connor to see his dad, and I need to get my shit straight, so I make sure I have Connor at every possible event and not schedule stuff for when he isn’t around. I need to communicate better with Connor’s father, I need to take my own advice. But every morning you wake up, every breath you take, is another chance to make it right. Life isn’t black or white, it’s about coming together to tackle the world. If you ever find yourself in this situation, feel free to reach out, I have an awesome mediator, and I am going to start looking into family counseling because we all need to come together for our kids. Also remember you are not alone, you matter, make the best version of you, and shine bright like a diamond!!

It is all a journey ,

Sarah xoxo