Just me

Learning to be alone

Like in nature when forest fires blaze through land making a clearing for new growth, we may look at this act as destruction . But in fact it is necessary for the growth of new trees. Life gives us many obstacles to overcome and many choices we have to make. Just like these choices or fires in natures instance it clears the path for new growth. After going through a marriage , separation and heart break each one has made me a little stronger. One thing I have learned about myself is that I do not like silence and I do not like being alone. And being alone is when my children go visit their dad, or I do not get that text message from that special someone, or maybe just having no editing or work to do. I do not like being alone. At 36 years old I have never gone to the movies by myself. I am sure I have eaten solo but not in my recent memory. I am ashamed to admit this but if social media posts do not give me the attention I strive for there also is a sense of loneliness and self doubt. I am fully aware that social media has many addictions that consume our every day lives and I am also starting to think it makes me even lonelier. When you are alone you are faced with your own reality. The choices you have made and the road ahead of you. I also can not remember when was the last time I have spent and entire weekend alone.  I guess when I really look at it what makes me uneasy is silence my entire life I have felt , and my friends will agree, that I thrive in chaos. Weddings bring it. Problem solving on the fly to make a client happy, happens all the time. But in silence I get anxious. Even sitting with my client while she was getting dolled up in makeup we had no music playing and I felt anxious.

I would love to have a partner in life but this is a little different. I believe that being alone and lonely are two different things I need to learn to be ok with both. Intimacy ,which I hope to one day have again, is hard to find now in a world so fast paced to swipe left and on to the next . I have to learn to be ok when my children get older and do not want to cuddle on the couch….  because that is right around the corner. I have to really just force myself to relax because it is ok to just be present in silence.

Everyone has mountains they need to climb.. Maybe yours  falls within  love, money, addiction, motivation, jobs but mine at this point in my life is learning to truly be face to face with myself and be happy. Ya sure I’m not saying I can not look myself in the mirror and be ok with what I see I guess my struggle is the atmosphere of being alone.  I am here struggling because during my separation and ultimately yet another failed relationship I have to start over and learn about who I am with out any other person being attached to me.  My old self can no longer be that person. I must change. Adapt and survive stronger through each lesson life gives me. I must learn, rebuild and grow into what I was supposed to be. I need to force myself into being an a new Ashley.

Over the past few weeks I have really recognized this and more so when my children are gone I search to be with people. I have given myself a few projects this year to give me motivation and purpose. Which I hope to update you readers in due time with what’s in store.

I truly believe that the only person in life holding you back from anything is… yourself. I have held myself back especially this year. Lately I have experienced depression which was a first for me, sadness, the loss of someone I really care about, struggles of always being creative in my work even when I do not feel like it, showing up for my kids while hiding in the bathroom to cry so they don’t see me. All this starts with mindset and I was the one doing it to myself. Our mindset runs everything.

So now I know my weakness. I need to dive in and learn to be alone. I need to motivate myself again and rebuild a new and improved Ashley. Right now I am sitting outside its beautiful 75 degrees , just enough breeze , a crackling fire from wood I chopped up myself because I demoed the kids playground, an audio book hooked up to my blue tooth and the sounds of my kids playing outside. They will only go outside if I am there keeping them company….. shocker right?

I wonder sometimes why I don’t like being alone… is it because I was an only child? My mother told me I always would ask her to watch me no matter what is was I was always just satisfied that she had eyes on me. My kids are like that also. I also wonder if my Irish twins will have issues with being alone because they always have each other.

I am ready to renew myself ! If I were to give anyone some advice including myself it would be from the book THE MOUNTAIN IS YOU. “The greatest act of self love is to no longer accept a life you are unhappy with. It is to be able to state the problem clearly and in a straight forward manor that is exactly what you need to do to truly transform and uplift your life.It is the first step towards real change”

Much love ,

Klemm