My Grief Journey: The Beginning

In Loving Memory of my Beautiful Daughter, Rachel Ramirez.

I have four beautiful children and one of them, my eldest, is now gone. For over nineteen years I have had the privilege and honor of being Rachel's Mother before she was so senselessly and cruelly taken from me and our family. I am still a mother of four amazing children that I will always love with all my heart. The day after Mother's Day in 2018, I received word that Rachel was non-responsive and it took over 3 hours to hear the awful notice that my daughter Rachel was dead. One of my precious children was taken from me, and it was my Rachel. I am Rachel Ramirez's Mom and Best Friend forever!

Rachel is the eldest. She has two sisters and one baby brother that she will never get to know. He will never know or understand how amazing his older sister Rachel truly was through his own experiences. We will have to talk of her and let them all know how wonderful she is and was. He will never get the chance to know what a wonderful human being she was and how caring, loving and supportive she was to all in our family. Her baby brother was only born 10 days before Rachel's death and she was taken from ALL of us. Although I have three other amazing children who I love with all my heart and soul, a piece of myself is gone forever. I called my Daughter Rachel every day, texted her, and visited her at her job at Starbucks. Rachel was a part of my everyday life. From the day she was born we were attached at the hip. Where I went – Rachel went! We loved to go shopping together. Rachel would always show me something she liked and say “I really like this but you don’t have to get it”. She was always thinking of others, never wanted to put anyone out, including me her own mother, but of course I would usually get it for her!! Rachel loved to play at the park and go swimming. She was in a private swimming class for a while and she loved to show off that she could dolphin swim. I still remember the first time Rachel wanted to go to the Roller Rink by herself. I told her that I didn’t think it was a good idea and that I promised to just sit in a booth and try not to embarrass her. She was mad because she was trying to find herindependence but accepted the fact I wasn’t going to leave her! Half way through skating she fell and hurt her knee pretty bad and came over crying. “MOM, I am so glad you are here. I think I broke my knee!!” I knew she didn’t break her knee but was relieved that I decided to stay to be there for her. That same night she received her first “kiss”. She is probably yelling at me right now saying “MMMOOOOOMMMMM stop!” but it was so sweet. She was excited to share this with me. Rachel was always beyond her age. She would listen to older music, Bob Marley and Stevie Nicks were her “favs”. She enjoyed writing, journaling, drawing and painting. I am so blessed to have her some of her journals, drawings and art work still to hold on to! I would like to share with you a poem she wrote that we included with her memorial card. She was proud to get back into writing and often talked about the beauty of the afterlife as she imagined because she had lost all of her great grandparents in a short time. We would talk about all of them as if they were still part of our daily life. She knew they were not gone but just in a different place.

“I like to believe that it isn’t just darkness there is light at the end of life. We are reborn into a new realm that is unknown. It isn’t a void it is full of pure bliss where your soul can rest easy. Your body is just the physical form of you but it does not define you. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and never question your worth.” – Rachel Ramirez

There is a special Bond between a mother and daughter, especially your first born. Although Rachel is in a different place far away from me and her family, this bond will ALWAYS remain strong even after death. Rachel was kind, loving, happy, sincere, loyal, genuine, supportive, humble, affectionate, hardworking, sentimental and most of all, a caring and protective daughter.

Every plan or family function I have ever had was with the notion that she would be alive and well somewhere, anywhere, even if not with me, at least a phone call away. Since Rachel's Death I often wake in the middle of the night or early morning, feeling empty with great sadness and despair. I cry alone most days in the shower so my other children do not see me. I miss her so much it hurts me to my core. I talk to her every night letting her know about our days and that I would keep fighting for her. Sometimes I feel it’s all so surreal and it couldn't have happened to me, but then I look at her Urn, the one that keeps Rachel's ashes and the rocks and pictures of her, I realize I will never hear my baby girl’s voice again. I will only hear her now in my dreams and in my heart.

There is an emptiness inside me no mother can ever begin to explain or put on a piece of paper to read. I will never ever have a picture with all my children together. No mother should have to lose their first born baby girl or any child ever at any age! Her two sisters looked up to Rachel and they still love and adore her to this very day. They were also robbed of their time with their big sister. Instead of celebrating holidays, birthdays, special moments in our family, school plays or graduations we will be mourning the loss of a wonderful young lady that will never be with us again, Our Rachel! We instead go to Rachel's memorial site to honor her legacy.

Since Rachel passing, I have become numb inside. I keep fighting myself to get up every day and make sure my family is taken care of. However, this has taken an awful toll on my body, mind, heart and soul. As stated before, I had given birth to my last child/first son by C-section 10 days prior. Due to the hormone changes, surgery and the loss of my Rachel I developed a full body rash that lasted about four weeks. I started losing my hair – to the point I was thinking maybe I should just shave my head and buy a wig. I was withdrawing from everyone including life itself. Rachel has been a part of me since I was 17; I didn’t know what to do without her. I still do not know what to do without her. I struggle with the balance of mourning the loss of my best friend, my daughter and caring for my friends, family and surviving children. My youngest daughter (5 years old) recently asked me “Mom, if Heaven is so beautiful, and Rachel is there, why can’t we join her. We can all go to Heaven and be happy together again”. Most days I don’t know how to handle my own sadness but I have to try for my children and for Rachel. Not knowing what else to do I have turned to God to ask for guidance. My family attended a “Rebuild” Group at Willow Creek to try and pick up these shattered pieces. We will never be whole again but until our family reunites we are doing are best to make Rachel proud and carry her life and memory through ours. I have also created a private local support group on Facebook for family members that are going through this same journey “Never Forgotten in the Northwest Burbs. I am not sure that I know which way to always go but helping others is what I have always instilled in

my children including Rachel so in her absence I will continue to help, support and be there for those traveling this journey. Even though we each travel alone, we stand tall together

I also am mourning the loss of so many hopes, dreams and expectations. I'll never see my first born walk down the aisle at her wedding day, I will never see her first baby born, I will never have the grandchildren that they robbed me of. I'll never be able to hold my daughter or watch movies with her again. I will never be able to hold my grandson or granddaughter to cuddle and love... or have the chance to buy them gifts either. I'll never be able to see the grandchildren I could have had from my amazing Daughter Rachel, never see her eyes or infectious smile in them ever. I will never wake on Christmas day or Rachel's Birthday which is in August, she is and always will be a Leo...to give her a present that she would love the most. Her hopes and dreams were ripped away from her! She will never be able to live out her full potential in life, helping others and making so many laugh. She had a huge heart! She still had so many things to do. She would have helped anyone in her situation no matter what, even if this happened to someone she didn't know.

You never expect your child to join the angels first but in the event that they do you hope that you are able to be there in those last moments. I should have been holding her hand, at her bedside, telling her how much I love her, that her Great Grandmas, and Grandpas will be waiting for her and that she’d better save a seat for me. Those last moments were stolen from me, from Rachel and her family. Those moments didn’t happen. Those moments should have never happened! I will never know her last meal, her last TV show, her last movie, her last video game. I will NEVER know her last moments.
Rachel was pronounced dead on Monday, May 14 , 2018 and I was not able to see her until
Wednesday, May 16 . When I heard that news that Rachel was unresponsive at a friend’s house I

started calling the friend, the police, the fire department, the hospital, everywhere. I finally got a hold of the police they told me that Rachel was dead. Of course I dropped to my knees and my world changed forever. When I asked where she was the officer told me that I was not allowed at the crime scene and that I would need to wait for the coroner to call me. I was angry, confused and broken. The officer told me that I was irrational and that I needed to hand the phone to someone that he could

actually talk to. The coroner called me later that evening and told me that McHenry County does not have a viewing room and that I would need to make funeral arrangements before I could even see my daughter. I felt as if her death was just another process for them instead of a life lost.

My cousin, Samantha came over to help me call some funeral homes so I could see Rachel as soon as possible. She was also met with steps and processes instead of understanding and patience. She called one more home. Colonial Funeral Home in McHenry. They were the first people that actually showed compassion. I was literally in bed and could not move from the stress, trauma and loss. Colonial Staff, Cecilia, came to my house and sat by my bedside to review everything with me. It was a lot to take in so when I asked for a minute or two she didn’t push me or make me feel like I was a burden. She listened to my wishes, requests and provided guidance and options. She also promised to leave a light on for Rachel every night. When I was able to go see Rachel on Wednesday, May 16th I didn’t know what to expect. Like was this a dream and I will get there and she will be like ...just joking - I am right here mom! I arrived Wednesday morning and completed the paperwork, picked out her urn and jewelry pieces for the family and then it was time to see my daughter. I walked into the Chapel room and slowly walking up to her and then I lost it. Screaming why, begging her to just wake up over and over again. Hoping that I could love her back to life that she would feel my love and know she was needed here more than in heaven. I sat by her side until closing time and went back Thursday, Friday and Saturday so she wasn’t alone. Sunday we all gathered for her funeral. There were over 400 visitors. I was so blessed to see so many that loved her and that she loved join me and her family. I also went back Monday morning to sit with her until it was time for the cremation process to start. Colonial staff informed me of every step along the way and then brought her home to me late that evening. I remember talking to Rachel about death and the burial process for my grandparents and she told me... “Mom, if I even die you better not bury me in the ground. I don’t want spiders and bugs and stuff crawling through my body.” At the time we laughed and I told her good thing we don’t have to worry about that any time soon. Little did I know? With that being said, please talk to your loved ones, no matter age or health about their last wishes. It is important and you will have no question in what to do if ever you are faced with making the decisions for the death of a loved one.

There has been many stories in connection to my daughter’s death. The one I heard the most was that she was having some anxiety Sunday night and a friend gave her a Xanax to relax. She did smoke marijuana usually nothing more! She just need to relax due to a recent break up. She was not new to Xanax and she has had it prescribed to her in the past for her anxiety but did not like the long term effects. I believe she thought that this Xanax was from a pharmacy and did not realize it was street made, cut with fentanyl. Regardless of what is assumed in connection to her death, she would never willingly take something as dangerous as fentanyl. She did not overdose, she was poisoned. Rachel did not struggle with addiction. Rachel always wanted to help those in need and that were struggling. One Xanax, one mistake, in one moment...she was gone.

There were two individuals charged with Rachel’s death. Many have asked me “What does justice look like to you”. Justice to me is having my daughter back at home where she belongs, but not in an urn. Justice to me is celebrating birthdays, holidays, and special occasions with Rachel, but not at her memorial site. Justice to me is knowing those last moments my daughter had on this earth were not painful but I’m sure that will never happen. Justice to me is having Rachel hug my neck, even just one more time, but not in a necklace created with her ashes. I did not go to school to be a detective, a lawyer or a judge so I left the sentencing to the professionals. The 2 individuals took a plea deal of a lesser charge to Delivery of an uncontrolled substance and were sentenced to 3 years in prison. With the charges, and good behavior they would need to serve at least 50% of the sentence and were released earlier than 18 months with “good time”. Regardless the time the spent in county jail or state prison,my daughter’s sentence ended her life and my grief will last a lifetime.

Rachel’s Loving Mother and Best Friend, Sarah Nieves

Rachel Ramirez 8/13/1998 – 5/14/2018 – Eternal Life

Helpful Resources:

Colonial Funeral Home – 815-385-0063 colonialmchenry.com Windridge Memorial Park – 847-462-4490 burialplanning.com Live4Lali – 844-584-5254 live4lali.org
Willow Creek / Rebuild – 847-765-5000 willowcreek.org JourneyCare 844-656-8763 journeycare.org

Books:
Me and My Feelings: A Kids Guide to understanding Feelings You are the Mothers of all Mothers

Facebook:
A Bed for my Heart
Forever In Our Hearts
Live4Lali
Live4Lali Grief Support Group
The Forgotten Victims of Drug-Induced Homicide Never Forgotten in the Northwest Burbs IRunForRachel