The Power of Breaking the Mold
Break from the mold
Is it safer to just stay? Is it smarter to stay?
Will you be on your death bed thinking what kind of a woman would you have created had you broken the mold, what relationship would have blossoms had you made a different choice? We live one life….. just one you hear this all the time. But do you ever really apply this? They say it goes by so fast and it does, as you get older I feel like it goes even faster. Maybe that is why I like photographs so much. Because I often look back and smile at the memories. I have done some really cool shit. I have traveled to some amazing places and met the most divine people. I have made hard choices but I made them and they were the right ones.
When I started to become unhappy in my life I struggled to find the strength to leave. It was easier to stay of course because it was my normal. And It wasn’t so bad. My normal was not bad at all. The kids were happy. We had nice things. But I was living in a home with no connection, no intimacy I was just living. Rebirth of the new you means death of the old you. When we take risks and change who we are we leave behind what once was. “Holding onto what is no longer true is not safe. It is the riskiest move because it is the certain death of everything that was meant to be…. Our next life will always cost us this one”(untamed) Our cultures expectations is not the blue print for how our lives should go. Divorce is basically what I went through. Eight years, two kids, three actually, a house and an engagement. I always had a voice in the back of my head telling me it wasn’t right. Never did I step foot into a bridal salon. We didn’t even talk about the act of getting married… which was another red flag. And he had to feel the same because it took so long for a proposal and there was never a discussion ever on marital plans as stated above…. on either ends.
I was listening to the podcast GIRLS GOTTA EAT Episode 228. Mark Grooves who talks about the beauty of choosing yourself over a relationship. He goes into how he applauds someones strength when you decide to not stay stuck. Particularly the part where Mark says he was engaged and he felt empty and not one bit excited, even though he loved his fiancé and she was a wonderful person. His turning point was when he was challenged by a woman’s questions which were the following:
If she left tomorrow would you be OK? ( his response was he would feel relief )
Could you picture walking down the aisle? ( he felt anxiety)
AND THEN THIS QUESTION …..
Could someone else love her better? (He said yes) counter question was…. Do you want to love her better? (His response was NO)
Those questions are hard but anyone in a situation where they contemplate if they should leave should ponder those questions. If you could save the other person and gift them essentially with releasing them from this relationship. That takes courage. You are freeing yourself and your partner. Heavy stuff.
I started listening to myself and knew whatever path I decided to take it would still be ok. It would be hard…. But it would be ok. I was loosing myself and that was doing everyone around me a disservice. I have been called conceded or “full of myself” we need more women who are full of themselves.. “A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to do and say what must be done… she lets the rest burn”. (Untamed) When you are just FINE…. You are half dead. Do you want to have your children see you unhappy? What example are you showing them? I want my kids to be happy, chase their dreams and know that it is ok to break the mold. I do not want them to watch mom and dad argue or become zombies. So I left. I do not want my children to think being in an unhealthy relationship is normal. Because it sure as hell shouldn’t be.
When I decided to leave my past relationship almost two years ago I told myself to break the mold and show my children what it was to be alive. Let me be very clear, my relationship did not work because of several factors. And he is not a bad man. In fact he is a really good man and a wonderful father to our two boys but he was just not right for me. This blog is not meant to bash him in anyway because that is not the point to this. The point is to be your truest self because I have so many women that walk through my doors and they are just LOST. They have LOST their identity. They feel they have nowhere to go. That their identity is motherhood or wife. Some women will disagree with me here but being a good mother is also being a happy mother. Being a mother is just one huge part of what makes me….. ME. Being a mother does not define who I am it just adds to what I have become. People think that to avoid being broken is to keep structure. I know so many families that are together but they are so broken. It is really the saddest thing and I feel sorry for those families. My structure has shifted, and although it was hard at first. There was pain to work through and change, much adaptation and even some therapy. But my new structure as a separated family is much more healthier. My children get the best of both parents. And I think that is really the underlying point of this blog. The children get the BEST of BOTH parents. We now can hang out with the kids and actually be friends again. At this point I even think we could handle going on a vacation together…… maybe…….. Which I never thought I would say.
Ya Ashley it is easier said than done right ! Yes yes it is. I will say that finding a support system is key to finding strength when we are scared. Friends, family, coworkers or even a stranger. Talking to someone is very important. I was very fortunate to have my mother. I didn’t want to take my kids from a nice big home to a townhome. Their quality of life is still the same and that was what was important to me. Times are hard now with prices increasing everyday. Homes are extremely expensive. And even getting one if you are lucky because everyone is bidding over price. It is scary. And I do not have an answer for whomever is reading this but I do know once the storm clears you will be stronger and happier. And if you decide to stay in a situation that you know is not right for whatever reason, then you only have yourself to blame when you are filled with regret.
MOM GUILT is so real. Mothers have been martyring themselves for centuries. “There is no greater burden on a child, than an un-lived life of a parent.” (Untamed) Why do we believe that sacrificing ourselves and happiness is the right thing to do? Why do we feel we are not worth the happiness or the investment? The beauty of life is that we can and should live it. You can go around and around making lists in your head why you should or shouldn’t break your mold. the anwsers are in your body . If you are staying in a relationship for your children ask yourself, would you also want that for them when they grow up?
I am going to use a generic name and a male since this blog is geared towards women. Close your eyes, dig deep…… picture “Mike” ( again made up this name ) what do you feel? Does it feel warm, safe, freeing, happiness…… or does “Mike” give you anxiety, depression, cold, anger or resentment. Go towards what you feel. If you close your eyes and see your kids …same thing applies but make it work for you. Go towards that. There is a special recipe for everyone. No one is the same and it’s up to you to make your life your own recipe. So make it and LIVE it.
The reason for writing this particular blog is that I am a year and a half into letting go. I am no expert and maybe everything I expressed is complete bullshit. Good thing it is my blog and nothing will stop me from feeling and writing and healing the way I need. I will end with some little saying that particularly moved me. Love is out there people, I promise you. It will present itself when you are not looking and in the mean time why not learn to love yourself.
I will be over here making my own recipe and adjusting to taste….. and breaking the mold…. always.
Klemm
-Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. The Dial Press.
Girls gotta eat podcast
https://www.girlsgottaeatpodcast.com/episodes/why-are-we-bad-at-dating-feat-mark-groves